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The Groves Scriptor

The Groves Scriptor

The Groves Scriptor


Juno van der Bruggen

As I sit with this pain, this pressure, this full,

I feel like a brick, a thousand tons.

My stomach more than full.

It pulls at my heart, at my reason, my head.

And I wish this part of me was dead

I eat and I eat and it’s never enough

And if I’d just spill it all out, throw it all up, just spout

The pain would be gone, Gone with the pressure, the full

But there is no hope.

I’ll never stop, for I am insatiable,

Just one more bite, that’s it. That’s all I need.

But I am insatiable, forever I’ll feed

It’s not like I’m hungry,

not like I’m starved.

I’ve had more than enough and yet I keep going.

It calls to me, just a little more, just one last bite.

And I lay on my bed crying, moaning because it hurts and I’m full and there is no hope.

I don’t want to be like this. I just want to be normal.

Why can’t I stop?

When does it end?

Am I everyone’s fat, ugly friend?

But all I can do is take one more bite. Maybe that’ll be enough for tonight.

But it’s not. Of course it’s not.

Who am I to think that it would?

I don’t know why I do it, I just do.

It’s just that I’m weak, I have no control.

It calls out to me and I can’t resist the urge.

I feel like a balloon, just waiting to pop. I just want it out. Get it out of me, make it stop.

But that’ll never happen. I won’t let it happen. Because I can’t help but consume. I have no control.

But the one urge I can resist?

I’ll never purge.

I’ll fight for forever, with every fiber in my being.

I am insatiable. I am weak. I ache for more.

I have no control.

My stomach, it aches.

But my throat calls for more. Demands it. And I can’t help but listen. I can’t help but take another bite.

I let in more than I can hold but I’ll hold it, I will. I’ll never let it out.

But If I let it out I’ll feel better, I’ll be pretty. I’ll lose the brick, pop that balloon. Even have room for that next bite… 

I am insatiable, I can’t help but consume.

It’s inevitable. My doom. So maybe if I just make some more room…

But I won’t. I cannot open that door. 

But that doors always there. It’s unlocked, I hold the key. Will I lock it forever, or make it ajar?

Will everything be better? If I just… peek inside?

The best of both worlds, is that what I’ll see? It’s Pandora’s box. Shrodinger’s cat. I know what I’m supposed to do. Keep it closed, lock the door, throw away the key.

And I would if I could but it’s more easier said than done. For I am the key. It’s a tattoo, a brand. I cannot escape it, it is chained to my hand.

But I won’t. I’ll try. I’ll fight. I’ll keep it closed and locked, at least for tonight.

But what about tomorrow? Will I be able to withstand?

I am insatiable, but how much can my body hold?

I am a void, but this might lighten the load.

So maybe just once? Just this time, I swear.

No. I cannot go there. For once I cross that threshold there is no return. It’s too hard to recover.

But I am insatiable, so what do I do?

I’ll suck it up. Have some control.

I’ll hold it all in. Won’t let it out.

But it would feel so much better, to take just one step through.

How much longer will this last?

My walls are breaking, they’re already cracked.

And someday I’ll give in. I can’t fight forever. I’m already so tired.

So why not just this once?

Sometimes I’m so close. So close that I’m sitting on the bathroom floor holding my hair back, vomit in my mouth. I am ready to let it all out.

But I stop. I always stop. I never let it past my lips. Choke it down, hold it in. Keep fighting. Never. Stop. Fighting. Never let it win.

For now that door is shut, and I’m trying to lock it. I am weak, but I am also strong.

Because I am insatiable, I cannot help but consume. But I will keep fighting. And eventually, I’ll win. Someday. Maybe. I hope.

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About the Contributors
Samantha Jacobs
Samantha Jacobs, Editor
Junior Samantha Jacobs is an editor for The Groves Scriptor. She has been a staff member on The Scriptor since her freshman year. She hopes to become fluent in Spanish, and is considering journalism as a future career. However, if given the opportunity to do something without failing, she would become a movie producer. She participates in Birmingham Women’s Lacrosse, GPAC musicals and forensic team, and Groves A Capella, and she represents the state of Michigan as a Youth Ambassador for the Tourette Association of America. In her limited spare time, she likes to listen to music, sing, color, watch TV and just hang out!
Juno van der Bruggen
Juno van der Bruggen is a Reporter for the Scriptor. She is a freshman and is excited to start writing for the Scriptor. She plays soccer and skis in her free time. She also enjoys traveling, baking, and reading. She hopes to continue Journalism throughout high school.
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